Redneck Bomb Disposal

I still get my tail feathers ruffled a bit when I hear a left coast comic make jokes about the south, but then sometimes something occurs that proves that there is a reason that the south is still used as fodder for stand up comedians; and that really chaps my ass.

Tuesday evening my wife called me into the living room to watch breaking news of a suspected bomb (a large dark suitcase) in the parking lot of an Irving grocery store. The Irving bomb squad evidently had already x-rayed the case and decided to send in their robot; this is where the news media jumped in and where this tale takes a bizarre and almost comic twist.

This crack unit of bomb experts, who seem to be populated by a handful of ‘good-ole-boy’ pyromaniacs, decided that, even though the x-ray showed nothing, it would be more impressive to attach a shotgun to the end of their robot (ala Mythbusters or BattleBots) and blow this empty suitcase to kingdom-come. The media, always in search of ways to panic the public, plays along as if there is something big going to occur.

My wife, my father and I are all coming up with ideas for what would be the funniest, or grossest, thing to happen once they blast this suitcase full of holes…

The news casters are desperately trying to build tension; because the news media live off the fear they can generate in the public…

…And here comes the robot with its laser sight and shotgun like a ninety-nine cent Terminator…

Everyone becomes silent while we all anticipate the impending suitcase destruction…

Blam! The shotgun blast smashes into the EMPTY suitcase and sends it flying while the Irving bomb squad cheers like a group of hillbillies at a drunken barn dance.

In between the side splitting laughter filling my living room I actually hear the news caster say “The danger is over.”

That’s right Bob; the Redneck Bomb Disposal team have taken their killer robot and gone home. It’s once again safe for empty suitcases everywhere.

See for yourself: Here, Here and Here…