PETA, PETA, Poodle Eata…

It seems to me that the greatest solutions to any given ill of the world always seem to occur at the oddest moments with a flash of insight, as opposed to long laborious study of the problem. So it was a few days ago when, in a matter of minutes during lunch, my father and I hammered out a solid solution to the animal rights vs. animal testing debate. Granted it may sound a bit extreme at first but its simplicity is brilliant.

Amend the law to allow a person to trade themselves for a test animal(s) of equal body weight.

I don’t mean that they get to go in and sit and bitch and moan; I’m talking about a legal transfer of human rights and assets. “Freddy the animal lover” gives up his rights, his very identity as a human, for an animal (or animals of equal weight) who then must be cared for using “Freddy’s” assets for the rest of their lives. But “Freddy” now must be treated NO BETTER (and no worse) then the other animals in the testing facility. If the bunnies (or whatever) that “Freddy” traded identities with were going to have gasoline poured in their eyes than “Freddy” MUST have gasoline poured in his eyes.

Now get all the horrible comments about me and my cruel ideas out of your system…



Here is why this is the perfect solution:

Ninety nine percent of all people are full of bluster and hot air. Once an avenue is opened where they could actually accomplish something through some personal sacrifice most people will shut the hell up. Do you really think Pam Anderson is going to trade places with a few dozen monkeys so they can inject her with Ebola instead? No way! And she couldn’t legitimately complain about their (the animals) treatment since she’s unwilling to save a few. Animal right activists would finally have a reason to find common ground with the animal testers.

On the other side of the coin; animal testers comfort themselves by saying that the animals are not higher life forms and it is therefore ok to do whatever they want. They like to defend their actions saying that humans benefit from animal testing. They have never had a motivation to find common ground with the animal rights crowds. Now they will be testing directly on humans, they will have to listen to their screams; they won’t be able to hide from the cruelty they are inflicting. Once a few animal rights zealots are in the cages begging for mercy the animal testers will begin questioning the ethicality of their actions. Animal testers would finally have a reason to find common ground with the animal rights activists.

Finding a common ground would become mutually beneficial to both sides for the first time since the debate began.


I have an equally Draconian idea to solve world hunger… Wanna hear?

Published in: on May 8, 2007 at 6:11 pm  Comments (1)